Living far from family: 6 questions to ask yourself before making a big move
November 2019: Ellie and Bleeker, reunited after our trip back east… although I’m not so sure he’s excited about the reunion
Just a quick note before you head into the blog post. Are you an academic who is planning to make a big move this year, but struggling to figure out how all the pieces will fit together? My summer planning course, plan(it)*, can help support you during this process! Check out the link for more info.
Academic life often means following the opportunities, which may or may not match up with where your family has roots (which may or may not be where you want to live too!).
If you’re interested in being close to extended family you can certainly seek out positions that are located in the same area/nearby but it’s not always a guarantee that you’ll find an opening that’s specific to your area of expertise.
That being said, Mike and I both grew up in two major cities on the east coast with many higher ed opportunities, so my chances of finding something that was a fit and was also convenient to DC and/or Philly may have been higher than most. However… when you’ve lived in one area your whole life, you often want to get out and explore if the opportunity arises (at least we did!).
We’ve been grappling with the benefits and drawbacks of living far from family since we moved to Ohio 8.5 years ago and then followed that up with the move to Oregon. Seeing family when we were in Ohio involved about 8 hours of driving. Oregon, on the other hand, requires a flight that usually involves a day of travel.
After almost a decade away we’re really starting to question whether the ~3000 miles that separate us and our parents, siblings, and large contingent of good friends is worth it.
While these thoughts are certainly influenced by my dad’s death (along with another family emergency that happened in December), we were also having serious discussions about our long term plans before the end of 2019 kicked the crap out of us.
We knew Ohio was short term so we never thought much about the long term impacts of living an 8 hour drive away from family (which was totally doable in my opinion). However, Oregon had the possibility of being a permanent thing.
Ultimately, while we knew life that far away would be difficult, we felt that it would be even more difficult to always wonder “what if?” So… we took the leap, and here we are. We’re 3.5 years in, reassessing our priorities and realizing they’ve shifted (which is what life is all about).
We’re not making any huge moves or big plans right now, but we are openly talking about the possibility of moving back east within the next few years.
Today, I’m sharing 6 questions that we either thought about, are continuing to think about, or wished we'd thought about before we made our initial decision to move across the country and away from family and friends.
What do you want your life to look like?
I’m talking big picture here! How do extended family and friends factor into that picture? Having an idea of what you want your life to look like, no matter how different it may look from your current life, can help guide your decision.
What’s important to you in terms of seeing family/close friends in person?
Do you want to be able to pick up at a moment’s notice and see them within the hour? Or are you okay with visiting every so often over a long weekend? What about once a year or once every couple years? Figure out what's ideal for your current situation.
When major family events happen (good, bad, or otherwise), what will you do?
Weddings, funerals, births, hospitalizations, retirements, etc. all continue to happen whether you’re there or not. Are you okay with missing these kinds of things or only being able to attend some of these things?
What’s your financial situation like?
Plane tickets, gas, lodging, boarding your cats while you're away… they all add up. Figure out how much it will cost to travel to see the people you want to see. Does this align with your expected budget? How frequently can you afford to do this? Do you also want to go on trips that don’t include visiting family/friends? In our 3.5 years of living here the only trip that we’ve fully funded ourselves was flying back after my dad passed away. All of our other trips have been connected to my professional development funds (finding trainings/conferences in Philly/DC) as well as support from family. While it’s worked out fine so far, that’s not a plan we can sustain for the long haul.
When are you going to be able to visit family/friends?
Also think about the timing of your visits. Are you able to travel during the school year, or are summers your best bet? If you have your own family, what about kid’s school schedules or your partner’s work schedule and vacation days? With Mike at home and Ellie not in elementary school yet the timing of our visits have only been constrained by my work schedule. Once kindergarten rolls around and Mike re-enters the workforce our ability to travel will likely change.
Are you up for investing emotional energy into building a support system?
It is hard work making friends! Especially friends that you trust enough to call in a pinch. It’s 100% doable, but it does (in my opinion) take a lot of energy. We were very much up for this when we first moved, right now, not so much.
Really spend time digging into the answers to these questions before you make your decision. And also realize that your answers won’t necessarily stay the same, especially when a kid enters the picture!
Have you made a major move away from family and/or good friends? What helped (or didn’t help) you make that decision?
