Weekly Update: 12/2 - 12/8
Triangles plus hearts equals heart volcanoes (according to Ellie)
reflection
This past week was our first full week back in Oregon since my dad passed away. We flew back on Thanksgiving, after spending nine days at my childhood home in Virginia with my sister and her family. We had a steady stream of visitors coming to check in on us. It was incredibly difficult and at the same time comforting to be back where nearly everything was a reminder of my dad. The sounds of his household routines are so ingrained into my memory that every time the floor creaked or a door squeaked I assumed he was in the other room cutting up his fruit salad or laying back in the recliner for a nap or playing a game of solitaire at the computer (the guy played a lot of solitaire). There were so many times I started to form a question in my mind to ask him something but then realized I couldn’t…
I feel a bit stuck with work. I’m not sure how to move forward. I think I just want someone to tell me what to do… which is hard to come by when you have a job where you are essentially your own boss. I don’t mind working on the projects that interest me, but I’m also in no position to push myself to meet deadlines. There’s a funding application due in February that I was planning to apply for with a few other colleague (with me as the lead). There’s the option to push it back to the spring, but that means I’m likely giving up any chance of buyouts for next school year… and teaching a full load of 24 credits (8 classes total or 5 with advising) feels suffocating. Or we could still try for February… which isn’t actually that far away, especially given the holidays and a new term starting up in January. More importantly, I don’t want to have to be faced with this decision at all. I keep thinking of finishing up my dissertation, when it felt like I was up against two options: rest/recover or finish my dissertation. Now it feels like: grieve or get a grant. So… stuck is what I’m feeling. I am talking to people about this… I’ve got two meetings lined up for next week with people who can give me some perspective (and I also wish this was a non-issue).
This week I went to campus once and was able to make it through a research related meeting. I figured it’d be easier to be on campus than at home, but it turned out to be the opposite. As I was headed to my office the fact that the world keeps spinning, no matter what happens, hit hard. Everything was the same as it had been since I left in mid-November and to me that felt wrong. Working from home has proven to be a lot more comforting. It’s meant that I can remain in my pajamas if I want or take a minute (or many) to cry it out when needed (like in the middle of a faculty meeting). For all my gripes about academia, I am thankful for the flexibility.
In terms of what I’m doing, my mantra has been, “just do what’s next.” That piece of advice was given to me and my cohort when I started my PhD program and I’m finding it to be helpful in this instance too. At the beginning of each day I’ve been picking a few things that I want to do and just focusing on those things. I start with whatever feels the best, work on that until it’s done, and then, if there’s time, move on to the next thing. I’m answering emails and attending meetings (usually virtually). I’m cancelling the things I’m not up for. I was supposed to lead a meeting this past Friday but wasn’t feeling up for it, so I let it go. Essentially, I’ve been focusing on that funding application I mentioned earlier and ignoring almost everything else (other than meetings and emails). I haven’t continued with course prep, but I was pretty far ahead of the game before this all happened, so I’m not concerned.
As someone who usually falls apart without a plan, I’ve been doing pretty okay without one. I have my fall term plan (created at the beginning of the quarter) that outlines each week of the quarter, so I do have a basic structure for each week. This week I checked to make sure anything that 100% needed to be done was on my google calendar and then ignored the rest of what I’d previously planned.
I’ve also been paying attention to the small wins. Like when I had my PT appointment, and despite not having done my exercises for two weeks, my glutes were firing. Or getting out of the house and taking a walk by myself. Or getting Ellie’s leg unstuck from the handle of the cooler… don’t ask. Plus, not a small win, but a regular old sized win. I got my 4th year tenure review back this week and it was all positive. In the past, I’d forwarded those types of things to my dad. When I was going through some of his files (trying to find a will), I found a printed copy of the email I sent to him about my successful third year review. It stung that I wouldn’t be sending this one along.
That’s it. Just a reflection this week, no goals because I didn’t set any. I may be back with another reflection next weekend… or maybe a budget post. We’ll see.